


just hold me

by annie_writes



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: 3+1 ? i guess?, Angst, Canon Compliant, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Nightmares, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, Protective Ash Lynx, cuddly Eiji, eiji has depression, lots of pining, oh the pining, they kind of have issues, they struggle with communication, theyre both traumatized, theyre just emotional teens okay, theyre not dating but theyre like in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-19 02:02:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29992197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annie_writes/pseuds/annie_writes
Summary: The bruises faded over time. Eiji's nightmares, however, did not.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 7
Kudos: 91





	just hold me

The first time it happens is on the way to California. Or moreso, they had stopped for the night to take a rest under the open stars, crammed into the truck bed. Ash was never that heavy of a sleeper, especially when surrounded by strangers, so it was no surprise when he woke up for the second time that night, restlessness creeping in his stomach.

It, however, was a surprise when he suddenly realized someone was holding him. Tightly. Panic welled up in his chest for a second but was immediately erased when he took stock of the soft, brown hair gently tickling his neck, along with the familiar smell of motel shampoo. Moving slightly as not to disturb the sleeping boy, Ash gazed softly at Eiji's sleeping face partially pressed against his shoulder, soft cheeks framed by the bluish moonlight. Still half-asleep, Ash suddenly felt affection rise in his chest for his friend, warmth also spreading across his face. As he quickly assessed the situation, however, a few things became very clear.

One, Eiji was holding him while sleeping. Cuddling? Two, his grip was _tight_. Three, and what made Ash's heart suddenly drop, was that Eiji was trembling. Violently. 

Protective adrenaline awoke Ash even further, and he had to stop himself from waking up the sleeping boy immediately. Assessing the situation further though, Ash figured Eiji was suffering from a bad dream, and it might not be the best idea to disturb him, as he knew from experience. It hurt, thinking that his innocent Eiji was being troubled, but at the same time, he understood that the poor guy had been through more trauma in the last few days than he had probably seen in his life. 

Ash swallowed and tentatively reached out, looping an arm around Eiji's small waist and pulling him flush against himself, careful not to wake him. To his surprise, with a small sigh, Eiji relaxed into his arms, shaking becoming quickly less noticeable aside from his rapid heartbeat that Ash could now feel reverberating against his own chest. Everything about the situation felt surreal, but at the same time Ash felt a strange calmness that overtook him, and against all his own instincts he also relaxed into Eiji's arms. Just as he was ready to close his own eyes and succumb back to sleep, he took a look around, noticing he had neglected his usual taking stock of everyone else around him. 

A horrible surprise was awaiting him, however, as he locked eyes with a wide-eyed Shorter. He had been wide awake during this whole ordeal. Upon noticing that Ash had caught him staring, Shorter puffed his cheeks out in a comical trying-not-to-laugh expression, to which Ash quickly mouthed _I'll kill you!_ Shorter put his hands up in surrender, placing a finger to his lips, before lying back down himself. Ash sighed and laid back down as well, completely sure his face was completely red. 

It didn't take long for Ash to fall back asleep. The third time he woke up was in the early morning, as he felt Eiji softly jolt next to him, sitting up quickly and pulling away from Ash as if he had been burned. Ash tried not to react as not to embarrass Eiji, however felt a coldness overtake where Eiji had once lay. Why would Eiji want to hold him, anyways? He obviously didn't mean to, and Ash suddenly felt horrible for thinking anything more of it. As Eiji got up for the day, eventually waking Ash himself up, Ash feigned ignorance, and neither of them mentioned anything that happened that night.

-

The second time it happens, Ash had actually slept well for the first time in the longest time he could remember, despite everything that had happened. Apparently crying takes a lot of energy, since after pouring his heart out to Eiji, they had both fallen asleep with the light on, apparently. What wasn't consistent, however, was Ash finding that during the night Eiji had yet again wrapped his arms around Ash's waist, using his chest as a makeshift pillow. Ash felt his face heat up, finally recalling the events of the night prior, Eiji being his comforting self to Ash, a murderer. The tables were turned in this moment, however, with Eiji's trembling and rapid heartbeat being enough of a clue to Ash that Eiji was indeed having another nightmare.

Something stirred in Ash's chest but he swallowed the thought quickly as his gaze fell upon Eiji, his hair softly mussed above long eyelashes. Ash gulped as his gaze traveled further, to the bruises adorning Eiji's face, his neck, and very worryingly his thin wrists. Further down, even more horrific marks on his torso peeked out from where his thin sweater had slightly ridden up. Eiji refused to open up about what had happened to him, instead directing any questions back towards Ash's wellbeing, which Ash knew was a clue to not push further. Yet, Ash could not stop thinking about Eiji, _his_ Eiji, having been harmed and traumatized in ways he didn't want to imagine. Swallowing back tears, Ash gently returned the embrace, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of Eiji's head. This time, Eiji reacted with a flinch. The tears then resurfaced, and Ash couldn't stop them. 

Though, before he could let go of Eiji, the brunette quickly tightened his hold around Ash, soft face now buried in Ash's chest. Ash nearly stopped breathing to try and not wake him, but eventually relaxed into the touch, softly strengthening his own hold on the shorter boy, protectiveness overtaking any other emotions he had been feeling.

Ash knew he had to get up eventually, but did not want to disturb Eiji, because Ash knew he needed the rest. Maybe just a little more sleep wouldn't hurt...

Ash woke up a second time, finally deciding it was time to get up despite the soft boy holding him. He had stopped trembling, Ash noted, which at least was a slight improvement. Gently disentangling himself from Eiji's thin (bruised, bruised, bruised) arms, Ash finally rose out of bed. It was strange in ways in that Ash was rarely ever awake before Eiji, and usually Eiji was the one to wake him up (aggressively, usually), but Ash decided quickly that he would let his friend sleep. Thinking over it again quickly, Ash turned back around and gently tucked Eiji into the bed, touch lingering around his shoulders for reasons Ash himself couldn't exactly understand. 

Eventually, Ash heard Eiji stir behind him, turning slightly to see the lanky boy sit up, rubbing his eyes. Ash continued to type silently for a few seconds, feigning ignorance, before Eiji muttered a soft _ohayougozaimaaasu,_ to which Ash turned around to look at him. His hair was even messier than it had been before, evidence at least of a somewhat good night's sleep. At the same time, however, Ash's keen eye noticed the tearstains on his face and dark circles under his eyes. He was hurting, and Ash couldn't stand it.

"It's still early, Eiji. Go back to sleep." Ash kept his voice low and soft, trying to not give Eiji a pitying look, but at the same time struggled to keep himself from scooping the thin boy up in his arms. Eiji tried to give Ash a smile, his positive and optimistic mask sliding back on quickly, but Ash felt sick nonetheless. It didn't look right on his bruised face. 

Ash had never felt such bloodlust.

-

The bruises faded over time. Eiji's nightmares, however, did not.

Eiji still refused to open up to Ash, often growing even frustrated whenever Ash would try to give even the slightest hint of concern to him. After one argument in particular Ash dropped the topic altogether, promising himself he would never make Eiji cry again.

Neither of them really spoke much about why or when they started sleeping in the same bed, but it became an almost regular occurence. That is, of Eiji attaching himself to Ash in his sleep during a nightmare, waking up still thinking that Ash was asleep, however Ash would usually feign sleeping in order to avoid confronting what was going on. Whenever Ash woke up in the middle of the night, Eiji would be just silently trembling, clinging to him. To think how he could stay so silent made Ash's stomach churn.

One night in particular, Ash awoke in his usual restlessness, finding that Eiji was yet again cuddled up against him, tightly holding Ash's arm, which was now dead to the world. Not minding, of course, Ash gently maneuvered Eiji flush against his side. A soft noise rose from Eiji's throat and the scrawny boy moved closer, pressing his face into Ash's shoulder. 

Ash froze. Their faces were only inches apart now, and Ash could vaguely feel Eiji's shakey breath against his neck. Ash was drawn to Eiji's dark, trembling eyelashes, the slight flush in his cheeks, his soft cheeks stained with tears. He was beautiful in the most tragic way, and Ash never wanted to let go of him again. 

As all things must come to an end, Ash was snapped out of his musings by a soft gasp from Eiji, a small puff of breath against his neck. Suddenly he and Eiji locked eyes.

Oh. Oh shit.

Eiji immediately sat up and backed away, eyes wide while stumbling over apologies. Ash also sat up, making sure not to make a move towards Eiji, however, keeping his body language open.

"Hey, Eiji, I don't know what you're apologizing for, but it's okay, really." Ash explained, keeping his voice low as not to startle the brunette. Eiji immediately became silent, pulling his knees up to his chest. He didn't look like he wanted to talk, his body language like that of a scared animal. Ash sighed.

"Listen, Eiji. I know you're hurting and I just want to help, okay? You don't have to feel like you're a burden for wanting help, or comfort." Ash looked down at his own hands, suddenly not wanting to make Eiji feel like he was staring. Eiji looked away as well. 

"I..." Eiji started. He shifted slightly, sheets making a soft rustling sound, before he stood up and turned away completely. "I don't know what to say. I do not want to talk about it." Ash felt a sudden swell of frustration fueled by his own protectiveness over his friend, and sat up a little straighter.

"I know you've been having nightmares on a constant basis. I have them, too. You don't have to suffer alone, Eiji." Ash tried to swallow a voice crack on the last word, trying not to let his tone waver. Eiji sniffed, reaching up to wipe a tear away, however being turned away Ash couldn't exactly see the full movement. 

"It doesn't matter." Eiji muttered.

"You can't- You can't keep these things to yourself all the time, dammit. Don't you know how unhealthy that is? Please, just _talk to me_ , it's the least I could do, if anything-"

"Leave me alone. I am going back to sleep." Eiji cut him off. Ash froze, unable to think of a reply, as he watched Eiji crawl into the bed across the room, still fully facing away. Ash knew Eiji was stubborn, but this was to a new level. Feeling helpless, he listened as Eiji's breathing evened back out, eventually succumbing back to his own sleep.

Eiji didn't get out of bed the next day.

-

The next few days passed by rather uneventfully, both of them refusing to acknowledge anything that had happened and even continuing their usual banters and interactions throughout the day. At night, however, they would silently fall asleep across the room from each other. Whenever Ash would wake up in the middle of the night, he was by himself, yet could make out the trembling form of Eiji a few feet away from him. And, every time, Ash would force himself to go back to sleep, pushing away his urge to hold Eiji close and tell him that he was safe, that everything would be okay. 

Except when the nightmares started getting worse. Of course, Eiji himself never let on how bad he was feeling, but Ash noticed the little things, in Eiji's eyes looking more dead than alive, in his slowed movements, in his wary gazes. Eiji tried to play off that he was fine, often smiling and conversing at normal, but Ash also noticed a slightly pained edge to his voice. Eiji was straight up not getting any rest, and Ash knew this. He would often even catch Eiji lying fully awake in the middle of the night, no doubt trying to not fall asleep as to not succumb to night terrors. 

Eventually, Eiji's condition deteriorated to a point that he could barely stay awake during the day, often zoning out and not being able to pay attention to what was going on around him. It broke Ash's heart seeing Eiji struggling so much, but he knew that Eiji would just fight if he tried to help him, so he continued to keep a distance, playin along with Eiji's act of normalcy. Ash ended up not trying to touch Eiji at all, as it often caused Eiji to seem even more stressed out for one reason or another. The two grew more and more distant, as Eiji continued to close in on himself more and more with each passing day.

It hit a breaking point when Eiji _couldn't_ get out of bed. He had brushed off Ash, telling him that he simply was not feeling well, but Ash knew better. He was mentally and physically exhausted, to a point where even if he wanted to, keeping the mask of positivity on would be near impossible. Ash decided not to push him, though his mind was screaming at him not to, and left Eiji to be by himself. Eventually, he heard the shower running, but Eiji went straight back to bed afterward. 

By the end of the day, Eiji had barely moved. Throughout the evening, a very worried Bones had tried to make him toast and have him eat, which he did in order to make the poor guy stop worrying, but other than that was wide awake yet dead to the world. 

"You know you're gonna have to sleep sometime, right?" Ash leaned against the doorframe, crossing his arms. Eiji didn't reply, so Ash stepped into the room. "Silent treatment, huh?"

"I am just not having a good day." Eiji squeaked out, not looking at Ash. Ash shook his head, moving to sit on the edge of Eiji's bed. Eiji sat up slightly, pulling his knees against his chest and resting his chin on them.

"I don't believe that, Eiji. I just-" Ash winced as his voice cracked. "I want you to be okay, alright? You've helped me so much, and I know you need help, but-"

"I'm sorry."

"Th-There's nothing to be sorry for. People hurt you. People have hurt me, too, but you've always been there to help me. Please, just, let me do something." Ash ran a hand through his hair, not facing Eiji. He had no idea what Eiji's expression was, and didn't really want to look.

"I..." Eiji started. Ash didn't move. "I don't know if I'm ready to talk about my issues. I'm sorry. I just- Maybe someday. Until then, I... Could you..." He struggled to find the words. Ash finally turned, suddenly being hit with the image of a teary-eyed, flushed, trembling Eiji. After an instant of eye contact, Ash couldn't stop himself from meeting an embrace from the smaller boy in the middle, Eiji clinging to Ash, and Ash holding him close in turn. 

"Eiji, my Eiji..." Ash muttered, peppering soft kisses to Eiji's hair. Eiji was silently crying but wouldn't let Ash see, burying his face in Ash's chest. "I'm not going to make you talk about it, Eiji, I just want you to know that I'm here for you, okay? You don't have to hide your feelings from me."

"Can you just..." Eiji sniffed against Ash's chest. "Could you keep holding me?" His voice cracked on the last word, which just about made Ash start crying himself. Why had such an innocent boy been put through so much in such a short amount of time? Ash felt his heart clench, and held Eiji tighter.

"Of course. I'll hold you forever, if that's what it takes." Ash replied, fighting the trembling in his voice.

The two didn't move for a couple of minutes, clinging to each other in silence, before finally pulling apart. Ash gently helped Eiji up to eat a late dinner, brush his hair and teeth, and eventually return to bed, where they both silently tucked themselves in together, tangled in each other's limbs for the first time in what felt like forever.

Healing takes time, and both Ash and Eiji acknowledged that both of them had massive amounts of healing to do. For that night, though, they slept well.

**Author's Note:**

> hi hello my names annie go check out my tumblr https://www.tumblr.com/blog/deimosatellite i like to yell about eiji also idk how to write hi im very shy


End file.
